STATEHOOD ACHIEVED! NEVER AGAIN SHALL A CITIZEN OF MASSACHUSETTS PESTER OR ANNOY THE PEOPLES OF OUR GREAT FREE STATE!
March 16, 1820
Yea, we have at long last thrown off the shackles of our Massachusetts overlords, declaring Maine a State of its own with no further influence or bother from those denizens of the Commonwealth who conspire to muck about in our affairs.
A glorious future awaits us here, now, free men of Maine! The wealthy land barons of Massachusetts — who with one hand pledge themselves Sons of Liberty, while with the other endeavor to establish an American Aristocracy — shall nevermore treat proud Maine as their conquered colony! We are rid of the wretched Bostonians who claim our most valued coastal parcels for themselves and treat us like mere peasants peddling trinkets on the street! ’Tis a great pity and mystery those Patriots of New England, so vital to the creation of these United States lo half a century ago, should forget those freedoms we all hold dear and cheat so unabashedly.
Gone! Gone now is the scourge of the Massachusetts Man, his harsh accent a foul corruption of the sweet brogue spoken here! Grating and terrible, his greedy lips no longer spout forth orders that tax our patience and our purse!
Never! Never again shall a Mainer suffer the frustration of trailing a carriage from Boston, Lowell, Lawrence or some other foul and filthy Burg. Our roads will be ours, all the year round! No more fools turning where there is no turn, gawking at us like attractions in a traveling geek show.
Blessed with this newfound freedom, we Mainers should thank our brothers in New Hampshire, a hearty State of good and sturdy people. Thin sliver though it be, New Hampshire provides a granite bulwark twixt Maine and the swamps of the Commonwealth, sparing us the indignity of abutting that stinking sinkhole, while provisioning our people with whiskey and rum at prices unburdened by unjust tariffs.
Remember this day and celebrate it! If, centuries hence, Maine should again fall ’neath the shadow of that tyrannical territory to the south, the fine citizenry of this State shall doubtless rise up and repudiate the false promises of the Commonwealth, and thereby preserve our authentic character, from the mighty Piscataqua’s outlet at Kittery to the wild and lawless hills of Caribou Town!