Oyez, oyez, oyez! Come to order, ladies and gentlemen.
A judge said that to me once and I’ve yet to forget it. He meant business — oh boy, did he! Next thing I know I’m sitting in the slam for a few years for robbing the ex-governor’s checkbook and, of course, cashing them checks. It was against the law.
Well, I’ve learnt my lesson since then — no more bad-boy activities for me. Actually, I’m very content with my Social Security checks that Uncle Sam dishes out. Keeps my head above water, so to speak. I don’t have any extras to look out for, such as young’uns to feed and shelter, so no big Xmas bills or birthdays to save up for. I don’t got no pets to feed and bathe either, so perhaps I’m lucky in that respect.
Since I learned my moral lesson, I’ve traveled a lot. Figured out how to live legally, using my head. An honest day’s work here, another there. One of my theres was the state of Texas, where I hustled jobs unloading trucks, landscaping, clearing lots. Oh man, they got snakes up the ying-yang down in Texas! At least they did.
Them poor folks got hit hard last month. I was down in Austin (my fave town) a couple times back in the day, and once it snowed. I guess it snows about every 15 years or so, but that weren’t nothin’ like this last one. Day after day below freezing. What’d they do to deserve this? Nothing. Just too much carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. And those poor sons of guns burning their furniture. And praying. I guarantee you they’re doing some praying, ’cause they have the God-fearin’ spirit down there.
And not just Texas. No Mardi Gras either. It’s freezin’ on the bayou too. But you folks all know what I’m saying. It’s on the news enough.
Remember our ice storm, back in ’98? I remember trucks coming up from South Carolina to help get our electricity going. Seems like the scene’s running in reverse this time.
So what’s this column about? Well, like I was sayin’, I was doing pretty well on my government dole money. I think the key was when I quit smoking. I stopped for health reasons, sure enough, but ’pon my word, I saved me a big chunk of change too!
Then my pal says, “Hey, we’re gettin’ $600 from the government for pandemic redistribution.” And sure enough, a couple weeks later, bang — I got six big ones. All’s I could think was, Where’s the catch? I know it’s a pandemic and all, but I don’t need special medicine or nothing. I guess it does help me hide out a bit, stay away from people that might be a carrier.
So I’m barely done countin’ my money and tryin’ to figure out what I’m gonna do with it all and lo and behold I get another 600 smackers. Holy smokes, Christmas does come twice a year!
I was figuring which of my favorite charities to help out — Jimmy Fund, cancer research — when, Mother of Murgatory, along comes the storm in Texas. Now I’m thinking there’s gotta be a way to help out them folks down south, and here’s talk of yet another stimulus check, for 1,400 big’uns this time! My, oh my.
Like I said, I’m different than everybody else in the Ways and Means Department, so to Mr. Biden I say, “Ol’ chap, you go ahead and take the cash you’re giving me and let’s split it: $700 for Texas, etc., and $700 for me.” That sounds pretty fair. Seven hundred bucks probably gets you a generator, or two cords of wood, or make a start on replacing the furniture they been burning. And it’d shut up the Congressmen down there saying we don’t need more economic relief.
Politicians be damned, regular folks would take any help they could get. Politicians don’t speak for regular folks. And that is all I have to say on that subject.
Now one more item that was brought to my attention. I think the world of our great governor. And it must be mutual, as she tends to follow my advice. Well, bless her heart, she gave us a free week of fishing last month (no license required), as she’s sometimes wont to do. Her spokesperson was preaching ice fishing and how it’s good for mental health.
For heaven’s sakes, please, I beg you, give ice fishing some deep thought before you attempt any treks on any ice. I don’t know about mental health, but I do know about swimming lessons! And people tend to cramp up in frigid waters. If you have any doubts about the ice, call your local game warden. I’m sure they’d rather answer a phone call than a distress call.