I know you’ve all been wondering, “Jessie, tell me what industries I should invest in to boost my stock portfolio,” and you could not have asked me a better question. The answer is cannabis and liquor, because who wants to spend a global crisis sober? Not I. Weekend pot brownies are now part of my pandemic routine.
I knew we were on a dangerous path, with democracy and the planet dying and all, but I figured we’d go out a different way, like with Trump starting a nuclear war with California, or with Twitter. Regardless, this is the perfect time to drink. Plus, in a pinch, you’ll have alcohol to pour on your murder hornet sting. Did you know that genus of wasp lays like 1,235 eggs in each sting?
If you find yourself and your liquor supply a little low, there are local companies that will deliver you booze! I’m actually coping well – only four panic attacks so far, and my therapist says all her clients are feeling this way, so we’re all in this together. Plus, I’ve been preparing for this my entire life, having grown up in a doomsday cult and having watched every dystopian/apocalyptic movie and TV show ever made. My bug-out bag is packed, although we’re all bugging-in for now.
I’ve also been taking this time to work on my witchy powers, since no one listens to science anyway, and crystals are awesome. I stapled faux shrubbery to my bedroom walls to create a fairy environment. I’ve been drying herbs, dehydrating jerky and fruit candy, candy-ing fruits, blending juices, making a ton of salad, and mixing drinks with abandon.
Which brings me to my current favorite bottle, Liquore Strega. “The life of Strega Liqueur began in 1860,” according to the Italian company that makes it, “evoking the old legend that places the city of Benevento as the former seat of witches’ rites. It is stated, in fact, that witches, from all over the world, gathered at night around a magical walnut, and that they had created a magic potion that united forever couples that drank it.”
Consider that fair warning not to drink this enchanted elixer with a one-night stand, lest you get stuck forever with that person in 560 square feet of living space. Come to think of it, until the pandemic passes, avoid walnuts altogether, just in case.
1 1/2 oz Strega Liqueur
1/2 oz Cocchi Vermouth di Torino (an Italian sweet vermouth)
3/4 oz fresh lemon juice
3 dashes of Angostura bitters
Fresh basil for a garnish
Combine Strega, Cocchi, lemon juice and bitters in a shaker half-packed with ice. Shake vigorously for about 30 seconds, till frost forms on the outside of the shaker. Strain into a couple glasses and garnish with basil. Curse Mitch McConnell by turning him into an actual turtle. Enjoy!