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Amateur Hour

by | Feb 11, 2020

I bet you didn’t know that February is National Grapefruit Month. Me neither, because grapefruit basically tastes like poison to me, and February is better known for a different holiday. Also, I once heard that 25 percent of the population are supertasters, like me, and therefore they feel the same way about grapefruit.

Why am I talking about this bitter, oversized citrus if I hate it so much? Two reasons. Every February, I write about chocolate-based cocktails for Valentine’s Day, and I am a little over it. The other reason is that with enough sugar and alcohol, anything can taste good, even grapefruit. Plus, 50 percent of the population has the “normal” number of taste buds and can tolerate, even enjoy, this disgusting fruit. The other 25 percent, those with below-average tasting ability, probably don’t notice. I write for the masses, you see.

What is good about grapefruit? The Internet and eccentric sex educators have declared it a de rigueur yonic object. Cosmopolitan magazine even published a guide to giving a blowjob with it, called “grapefruiting.” The funny and charismatic Chicago-based sexpert Auntie Angel promotes her own grapefruit technique. She sells a series of instructional DVDs, but has charitably offered her grapefruit-fellatio YouTube tutorial for free, because, she says, “I believe every man should be grapefruited.” Check out her videos, I’ll wait.

OK, as we all know, eating grapefruit also has health benefits. Many of us grew up with parents who ate these large fruits cut in half, with sugar sprinkled on them, for breakfast, because they were “on a diet.” It’s packed with Vitamin C, and research from the University of East Anglia found a link between the flavonoids in citrus fruit and a decreased risk of ovarian cancer. That being said, if you’re on any cholesterol-reducing prescription drugs, grapefruit can be lethal. But if not, fear not, because eating grapefruit reduces bad cholesterol — a poison that’s its own preventative!

Now I finally have a good reason to use the bottle of Combier Créme de Pamplemousse Rose that I have sadly neglected. Pamplemousse, a liqueur that rhymes with “trample moose,” is simply a blend of red grapefruit juice and neutral alcohol. Pairing that with Roku Gin, a Japanese craft gin I wrote about a few months back, was the perfect combination, as the gin’s six uniquely Japanese botanicals have a light, flowery vibe, but any well-balanced, botanical-heavy gin will do. With a little light labor to make the honey simple syrup, this cocktail will give you and your Valentine a sapphic symphony of flavors.

photo/Jessie Lacey

Yonic Tonic

Honey Simple Syrup Ingredients:

  • ¼ cup honey
  • ¼ cup water

Simple Syrup Directions:

Pour the honey and water into a small saucepan and warm over medium heat. Use a whisk to blend the honey into the water and remove from heat (there is no need to bring the mixture to a simmer; this process should only take a couple minutes).

Cocktail Ingredients:

  • 2 oz Pamplemousse Rose Liqueur
  • 1½ oz gin
  • ½ small lemon, juiced
  • ¼ to ½ oz honey simple syrup
  • A 2” sprig of rosemary, plus another for garnish
  • A tiny dash of sea salt

Cocktail Directions:

Fill a small cocktail shaker with ice. Pour in the grapefruit liqueur, gin, lemon juice and honey simple syrup, as well as a sprig from pinched rosemary. Put on the lid and shake until the mixture is thoroughly chilled, about 20 seconds. Strain into a martini glass and garnish with a small sprig of rosemary and a dash of sea salt. Serve immediately.

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